What If My Stories Hurt Someone I Love?
“I want to write a book, but what if it hurts someone I care about?”
This question comes up in conversations more often than you might think. In fact, nearly everyone I talk to who wants to write a memoir worries about the impact telling their stories will have on people in their life, especially those who will be mentioned in it.
The good news? There is almost always a solution. Wanna find it? Try this.
One: Don’t worry about it in your first draft. The first draft is for YOU. You can say anything you want. Anything. Everything. Treat it like a private diary. Writing everything down helps you to really see and understand your overall story. You can decide what to do with the tough bits later.
Two: When the first draft is complete, revise it into a second draft. Continue to not worry about it.
Three: Sometime after the second or so draft, go through the manuscript and tag each section you’re concerned about. For each one, consider your four options:
Take it out.
Make it anonymous.
Decide it doesn’t matter what people think.
Get permission and feedback from the involved parties.
Each of these options has benefits and drawbacks, which are discussed in more detail in Claim Your Voice.
Four: In the case of stories about people who are in your life and whose opinions you value, very often the best course of action is to seek their permission and feedback. To do this, copy the section of the book that contains their story, and send it to them. Give them the context, and tell them that it’s important to you that they feel good about the way they are portrayed in your book. Ask for their feedback.
Five: They will almost certainly surprise you. I say this from both personal experience and the experience of the dozens of authors I’ve worked with. Almost no one asks the author not to publish at all. Very few ask for edits. Every single one of them is grateful for the chance to review. And most of them actually freaking love it, even the parts that might not seem to you, the author, like the most flattering portrayals. Example: In my memoir, I called someone “a bit pompous” and they laughed and said, “well, yeah, I was a bit.” Another one: One author’s ex-husband responded to a story casting him in a negative light by saying, “My problem with your book is that there isn’t enough of me in it!”
In summary, please don’t let worries about what others will think stop you from telling your story. Get the first draft complete. Just get it down. You can worry about impacts later. There are solutions for almost every situation, I promise.
